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Welcome to Petals in the Ashes: Ink and Fire Podcast, hosted by Amanda Christine Hill.
This is more than just a podcast. It’s a deeply personal journey of survival, strength, and reclaiming my voice. My name is Amanda Christine Hill, and I’m here to share how I survived a decade of domestic violence, psychological, financial, sexual, and narcissistic abuse, fought addiction, and ultimately found the strength to rebuild my life. My story is for anyone who has ever felt trapped, powerless, or unable to escape. You are not alone.
My journey began in 2014 when I unknowingly entered a relationship that would consume over a decade of my life. By 2016, I had enough awareness to recognize the toxic dynamic and his frequent fits of rage. After a terrifying incident where he screamed violently in my face while destroying objects, I made the courageous decision to leave. But, as often happens with manipulation, I returned in early 2017, holding onto the false hope of stability and caretaking.
By 2019, the abuse had become an unbearable routine. I had gained over 45 pounds, neglected my health, and lived in constant anxiety, trapped in a never-ending cycle of verbal, psychological, and physical violence. Despite all the evidence of destruction, I held onto the fragile hope that marriage might bring the stability I so desperately needed, believing that the love I once had could somehow be revived.
In 2020, the pandemic delayed our wedding, and it also trapped me inside with my abuser. During this time, I gained another 45 pounds and began sleeping on the couch, physically distancing myself from him in search of peace. I took refuge in our downstairs space, trying to escape the madness. Yet, the cycle of narcissistic rage continued, occurring weekly and robbing me of any sense of safety, stability, or freedom. Every day became a struggle, as my soul was suffocated by fear and manipulation.
In March 2022, I married my abuser. What should have been the culmination of a dream felt nothing like the fairy tale I had imagined. I wasn’t marrying the love of my life; I was marrying a man who was actively destroying me. Just days before our wedding, he told me he found me unattractive due to my weight gain. He made it clear that he believed he was doing me a favor by marrying me at that weight, insisting no one else would want me. For years, the abuse had escalated from emotional manipulation to physical violence, with body shaming becoming a frequent weapon. His visible disgust led to shoving, shaking, and explosive rages about my perceived flaws. By the fourth month of our marriage, I was strangled. I knew that if I didn’t leave, I might not survive.
In September 2023, after years of relentless abuse, I made the life-changing decision to leave. I fled my beloved city of Austin, Texas, with nothing but a suitcase, my dog, and my car. It was terrifying, but when I discovered a shotgun wrapped in my wedding dress, hidden in the closet, I knew I had no choice. Within hours, my stepfather flew in to help me escape, and with his unwavering support, I found the courage to break free.
The months after my escape were chaotic, filled with emotional highs and lows as I struggled to break free from the addiction-like grip of the abuse cycle. I buried my pain in alcohol, clinging to anything that numbed the torment. Over the next three months, while preparing to return to court, I worked hard to untangle the fog of cognitive dissonance. I sought therapy multiple times a week, prayed and meditated daily, journaled, and allowed myself to cry, letting out years of grief and fear.
The physical toll of my emotional journey was immense. I battled severe CPTSD, violent flashbacks, night terrors, and crippling insomnia. I was terrified to fall asleep, fearing the nightmares that might haunt me. But through all this pain, I began to reclaim myself, step by painful step.
In January 2024, I stood in court and testified against my ex-husband—the man who once claimed to love me. But after we married, his abuse escalated to the point where I feared for my life every day. Through it all, I rediscovered something I thought I had lost: my strength. And with that, my freedom. Each time I tried to stand up for myself, I was met with shame, manipulation, and gaslighting. He always told me no one would believe me and that I was too "unstable" to be taken seriously. He used my vulnerabilities as weapons to keep me silent and under control, convincing me that my voice didn’t matter. But he was wrong. My voice did matter, and it set me free. The system’s domestic violence advocates helped me file for protection, represented me in court, and even arranged police escorts to ensure my safety. They gave me the tools and strength to reclaim my life.
In January 2025, I celebrated one year of being alcohol-free and losing over 90 pounds. But this milestone isn’t just about sobriety or weight loss—it’s about reclaiming my life, rediscovering my true identity, and finding my voice again. If you're struggling with addiction or trapped in an abusive relationship, know this: You are not alone. I am living proof that healing is possible. It’s never easy, but with patience, self-love, and unwavering belief in yourself, transformation will happen. You are stronger than you think, and the power to change is within you.
Need Help Now? Reach Out Directly for Support
If you're ready to take the first step toward healing, connect with me personally. I'm here to listen, support, and guide you through your journey. Contact me now. 🌸
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